Sex Outside Marriage: Longer Version

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Too long? See the short version.

See Note #2 below, that this is based on the assumption that you are someone who is committed to following Christ, as revealed in the writings of the Apostles. If not, then we would need to decide what authority on these matters we would accept (experience? logic? scientific studies etc.). I believe -- but cannot prove at this point -- that in the End the Biblical teachings on this will be vindicated by experience etc., but we haven't reached the End yet, from which vantage point we will be able to evaluate these decisions.

Nevertheless, I intend by the Grace of God to live according to these beliefs and encourage you to hold to the same commitment, aware of God's great Grace to forgive, restore and heal.

Eph. 5:22 - 33

Christ has not taken (become one flesh with) the Church on a trial basis. He is totally devoted to Her. That image is marred when we unite with someone but not “for as long as we both shall live”. In fact, when make our bodies say “we are one flesh”, but then pull apart, saying “but maybe not for life” and then reunite/pull apart over and over, we are emotionally marrying and divorcing. It may be that emotionally you are a multiple divorcee, however many times you’ve come together and then said No to lifetime covenant. God hates divorce (though He loves and will forgive you).

Heb. 13:4

Some people who sleep with dating partners before marriage say that they will honour marriage once they are in it. That might be possible, though it seems to me that early compromise increases the likelihood (not certainty) of later compromise. However, beware of those who say they don’t even believe in marriage. The command in this passage is that it is to be held in honour by all, in part because of God’s intention that is be a holy image of Christ and the Church (as in Eph. 5). In belief & in practice we should hold marriage in honour, as God’s idea.

Matt. 19:4 – 6

He does not say “be joined to a girlfriend (and then maybe another girlfriend, and then another until he decides that one will become his wife)”. The ideal of The Garden is that the one flesh union and marriage are the same. The person you’ve become one flesh with IS your spouse. But perhaps it was NOT God who joined you together. What is the alternative? Our own lust? Satan, even? Some might mock that, but outside of a lifetime covenant, it is fornication, & repentance & being put asunder (sexually at least) are what should happen. If there is covenant, then breaking up is divorce. Forgivable, yes, but divorce nonetheless.

Matt. 5:28

“Lusting” is not the same as just feeling attraction; it’s fondling those thoughts in your mind (which you also do while acting on them). We can understand Christ to allow men to fantasize about their wives, but if we encourage someone who is NOT our spouse to fantasize about us (esp. to act on it), then we are helping them to be adulterers by Christ’s standard. We should not be encouraging others we care for to bring themselves into judgement (see Heb. 13).

1 Cor. 7:1 – 9

He doesn’t say, “If they can’t control themselves, they should just go ahead and live/sleep together, since they love each other.” If he doesn’t believe that sex would be sinful for them, why does he think self-control is called for? “Just go ahead.” No, he was concerned that they not sin sexually, but rather get married if the temptation was too strong. It seems to me that in many minds these days, self-control between dating couples means 1) “safe sex” and 2) not sleeping with others. Christ calls us to a better (and healthier) standard.

1 Thess. 4:1 - 8

Want to know God’s will in a specific matter? Honour Him in what He does declare as His will generally ie sanctification. Fornication is not the only issue of sanctification, but it is the first one that Paul addresses here. It will be very difficult to know God’s will in a matter, while knowingly rejecting God’s will on this issue.

2 Tim. 2:22, 1 Cor. 5:11; 6:9,10; 7:2; 10:8, Titus 2:11 – 14, Gal. 5:3,19, 6:7 – 9, Col. 3:5, Jas 1:21, Mt 15:18-20, Rom. 7:3 (note “if she marries”), Heb. 12:16, Rev. 21:8; 22:15.

Notes

1) This is all based on the notion that sex is holy, NOT that it’s dirty (or merely fun). It’s not the sex act that is bad; it’s the lack of covenant (obviously when predatory or exploitative, but also when motivated by fear of commitment, ie lack of faith). The Bible is not anti-sex; it is pro-Covenant Love.

2) This is intended for those who are actually concerned about what the Lord Jesus and His Apostles believe about sex & marriage, as reflected in the Bible. Those who don’t (and don’t follow any other specific Teacher) may have to turn to logical arguments, studies etc. Frankly sometimes those arguments do seem to make sense, and yet significantly they are not the model found in the Bible. I believe that one day we will see clearly that the scriptural path IS in fact healthier.

3) It is true that marriage goes through different forms in Scriptural history (including polygamy). I am basing this on Christ’s words in Mt. 19 calling us back to how it was “in the beginning”, God’s original intentions. Like the provisions for divorce, God did allow concessions due to “the hardness of our hearts”. In Christ He has given us new hearts and calls us to seek His very best.

4) Not all sexual sins are equal: fiances having sex is not the same thing (usually) as rape. Rape can occur even in marriage, and is wrong! Marriage doesn’t make all sex right. But sex without marriage (covenant) is less than God’s will for us & therefore wrong, even when not predatory or exploitative.

5) I don’t believe that a ceremony is absolutely necessary, but a mutual decision is – a covenant to be faithful to one another as long as you both shall live, and in most cases there is no reason for this decision to be secret or undeclared to your family & friends. And even if prayer isn’t involved I believe God will hold them to their “Yeas” and “Nays”.

6) God expects us most of all to be faithful to our prior Yeas and Nays to Him, whether we are single or in a relationship. When you gave your life to Christ, you may not have explicitly stated that you would not sin sexually, but it (along with all other matters of holiness) was part of your commitment to His will (1 Thess. 4). That said, forgiveness is always right at hand, though it is not to be treated cheaply.

7) Do not marry (whether with a ceremony or not) a non-Christian. Seek to place Christ at the centre of your life, and therefore seek someone who has the same centre, and who will joyfully work together with you to put Christ at the centre of your marriage, your home and the raising of your children. You do not want the hindered intimacy that results from different centres, or to try to raise your children to love Jesus while seeing a different example in the other parent. Trust me; you don’t want that. Don’t do it.

PS Re. ceremonies. People confuse weddings and marriages. We don’t have a pattern for a wedding in the Bible, but marriage is there. People are mistaken when they say the Bible doesn’t teach marriage, when they might mean it doesn’t teach weddings.

I believe that some sort of public declaration of their covenant (at least to family) is a VERY GOOD idea, even if not absolutely necessary, if the couple have a covenant. If just moving in together were always understood as a covenant for life, then a ceremony would not be as important, (though celebrating the decision is a nice thing to do).

However, currently some people move in together and are quite clear that they’ve not decided that it’s for life “we’re NOT married!”. So currently I can’t regard moving in as always a clear decision of marriage, unless stated as such.

Quote from a friend:

“I was talking to an old friend of mine recently and he and I were going down the list of people we've known since childhood and wondering about their spiritual condition these days. I was surprised with some of the people he mentioned who used to be fervent Christians in their younger days but have now become fervent atheists or agnostics.

His theory on what happened to them? They all got into sexual relationships with their various partners and started trying to justify themselves and assuage their guilt until they could no longer really call themselves 'Christians' anymore. So the moral compromise happened long before the doctrinal and theological shift. I think that's often how it happens.”
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